Interview With The Divergent Cast! (And Then Some)
by Sonamyloversega
Summary: Humorous interviews with Divergent characters! Major spoilers, do not read if you have not finished the trilogy. Two interviews per chapter, maybe three, if I'm feeling generous. No flames! Meant for laughs!
1. Invitation

**Okay, so I've decided to do a little something different. I've kidnapped- er, invited over- some of the Divergent cast for a friendly Interview. This is gonna be more like a script in a way, unlike my other fics, where quotes signaled a person speaking. The bold always means I'm speaking. **

**Our first hostage-uh, guest- would be- back from the dead - Will! An Erudite transfer, and a huge know-it-all!**

*Will walks onto stage, with some poking from a cattle prod*

Will: Uh, nice to be here... I guess.

**Of course it is! Now, no beating around the bush here, Will. Is it true you've memorized several maps, dictionaries, and even an encyclopedia?**

Will: Yes, actually. What else could I do in my faction?

**Very true. Now, I've been wondering: What made you leave Erudite?**

Will: *Shuffles uncomfortably* Well, uh, not that I didn't like Erudite's...Insight, it's just that I never got to do anything fun like Dauntless did. It was always ''Work, work, work!'' My brain would've became mush if it could. Of course, it isn't possible for a major organ to have the tendency of mush, unless it-

**Uh, huh, very nice. Not that I don't love reading- No joke, I really do- It's just, this is an interview, not a biology documentary. Next question: What are your thoughts about Tris shooting and killing you?**

Will: What choice did she have? I was a mindless zombie. I didn't feel anything. Of course, it's Christina Tris has to worry about... *Trails off* Oh! Is Christina here?

**Yes, of course.**

Will: Well, could you-

**But she doesn't know you are back from the dead, or who killed you, and I intend to keep it that way. *Grins* For now, anyway.**

Will: What? What are you planning?

**Is that any of your beeswax? Anyway, next. How do you feel about Al's suicide?**

Will: It was very unfortunate and I wish it had not happened. Although I don't know why he did it...

**Guilt. Very bad guilt. **

Will: Oh... So, um... yeah...

**What are your plans for the future?**

Will: Well... I guess I'll go back to being dead and, um... wait for someone else to join me?

**Haven't you seen Al...up there?**

Will: No, I haven't, and I don't think I will. Albert was too good for Dauntless and couldn't handle it, though at least he died knowing what he was doing... *Gets angry look* No, no... Can't think that way... Tris didn't know...

**Well... *Clears throat* anything you'd like to say before I welcome our next guest?**

Will: Well...Always do your homework! Never ditch! Be careful who you're friends with, or one may shoot you in the head!

**Okay... Bye Will! See ya in oblivion****!**

*Large man slings Will over shoulder and walks away*

Will: What the- Can't I at least say goodbye to Christina? Wait! Please I just wanna-

*Gets carried off set*

**Thanks, Don! Ahem. Now, for our next guest- Caleb Prior! Transferred to Erudite and soon after became a huge jerk!**

Caleb: Wha-? Why'd you bring me here? What'd I do?

**Well, let's see... Betrayed your sister, helped develop mind control serum, any of this ringing a bell?**

Caleb: *Glares at me*

**Why did you do it, anyway?**

Caleb: *Continues to glare*

**Don't you have any family loyalty left? **

Caleb: *Still glaring*

***Takes out truth serum and a ray gun* If you don't start talking, I'll have to use one of these! AND IT'S PROBABLY NOT GONNA BE THE TRUTH SERUM!**

Caleb: Woah, woah, woah! Let's not be hasty! I, uh, did it because faction comes before blood...Right? *Looks at Jeanine Mathews, who gives thumbs up*

**That's cold, dude. I mean, really. Who does that?!**

Caleb: I'm loyal to my faction.

**Loyal my butt! You just did it because if you didn't you'd be punished!**

Caleb: ...

***Grins smugly***

Caleb: Can I... Leave now?

**No. **

Caleb: But you're not-

**No.**

Caleb: W-

**No.**

Caleb: What did I-

**People who try to kill their siblings don't get to leave!**

Caleb: WHAT! I never-

**You will, Caleb. *Hands him ''Insurgent''***

Caleb: *Flips through pages and eyes widen* Huh!? They made me look like a total jerk!

**You started out nice. What happened, anyway?**

Caleb: I studied all there is to know about selflessness and applied it to my family's nature. When I transferred, that selflessness was no longer needed.

**Wow. Just...Wow. Please get him out of here.**

*Don grabs Caleb's arms and secures them behind his back*

**Wait. *Looks Caleb over, then smacks him* I used to like you, back before you transferred! Get him out of my sight!**

*Don carries Caleb away while Caleb reads Insurgent with wide eyes*

***Shivers* To think, I used to think he was a good person. I'm not done reading Allegient yet, mind you, but I know the gist of what happens. Next time, I will interview some... slightly more violent characters, and one who has recently been discussed. Please no flames, I meant this to be purely for humor!**


	2. An Argument, And 'Nice' Small Talk!

**Hello, fellas! We've got more guests today so don't you dare turn off that cancer inducing electronic!**

**Our first guest for today... Peter! Stabbed Edward in the eye with butter knife and is honestly just a bad person!**

Peter: ARGGG! *Runs at me with huge knife* HOW DARE YOU KIDNAP ME!?

**Holy crap! *Takes out bow and shoots* **

Peter: *Clutches leg, which is now bloodied* AUGH! WHY THE HE-

**No swearing around here, mister!**

Peter: Why should I listen to you!?

***Takes out another arrow and puts it to bow***

Peter: Yes ma'am! *Military salute*

**Now, sit.**

Peter: I'm not some pet! You can't just-

**SIT!**

Peter: *Yelps and sits on plush couch.*

**Thank you. Now, as I said, you stabbed Edward in the eye. Why?**

Peter: I'm the best! There was no way that low-down maggot could beat me!

**You do realize that, even if you DID come in second, you would probably still be in, right?**

Peter: Because I- Wait a sec... Why DIDN'T I think of that? *Thinks about it* I don't lose to anybody. ANYBODY.

**Says the guy who got shot by Tris and is now sitting obediently in front of me.**

Peter: Oh, wait till tonight, cause I'm gonna make sure I don't leave any optic nerve unharmed. *Maniacal laugh*

***Scoots away and gulps* Uh... Security?**

*Two guards grab Peter, who immediately tries to elbow them in the ribs.*

Don: You shouldn't threaten her, boy. She can do horrible things to you with just a small command to Daniel *Points to huge Cyclops in background.*

Peter: *Gulp* Ha! That tiny... little... eight-foot-nine monster? I... I eat those for breakfast!

***Rolls eyes* Uh, huh. Now, let's watch Daniel attack you, shall we?**

Peter: Wait... What? What are you gonna do?

**Daniel? Attack code number 374-18-red. Please!**

Daniel: Yes, Girl who feeds me lamb chops before bed! *Runs at Peter*

Don: W-Woah! *Lets go of Peter and runs off*

Ethan (Other guard): Holy suger honey on iced tea! *Does the same*

Peter: Ahh!

Daniel: *Brings fists down on Peter*

Peter: *Rolls to the side, barely managing to dodge*

Daniel: *Tries again, this time grabbing Peter and throwing him into a wall*

***Laughing hysterically* Now... *Laughs* Now get him out of here... *Laughing* **

Peter: Ungghhh... Mommy, fluff my pillow... *Passes out*

**Well then... NEXT! While Don and Ethan carry Peter's limp form away, I took a little tape of some Dauntless initiates talking about the Divergent. Here it is!**

**(WARNING: If you are expecting the people talking to be well-known characters, you are going to be disappointed!)**

(This part IS NOT like a script)

''What do you think of that girl? The Stiff, I mean.'' Cally, a thin, wiry dark-haired Dauntless-born initiate, asks her friend, another Dauntless-born, named DJ.

''Don't care." He says indifferently, hardly looking up. ''I think she's one of them.'' Cally mutters, her hazel eyes flickering down to the cake in her hands.

''Huh?" DJ looks up now, his warm brown eyes boring into hers. ''One of- What?"

''The...The Divergent.''

DJ gasps and stumbles back, barely saving his cake from the floor. "Cally! You know we can't discuss this... Especially because it risks them... finding out... about... about us..." He nearly chokes on the last two words.

"I know. But I don't understand... why is being Divergent bad? Why are we-they- Being punished just for being different?"

"It goes against everything we've been taught... It makes us dangerous- gives us the power to manipulate simulations... We're unnatural. Mutants, if you will..."

"I don't believe you."

"What?"

"I don't believe you. I believe being Divergent gives us a mind of our own. Makes us unique. That's what it was like before... before this faction CRAP!"

DJ gasps. "Cally, the factions are our way of life! Our border from peace to chaos! You can't-"

"SCREW PEACE! SCREW THE FACTIONS! Dauntless, Erudite, Abnegation, Amity, Candor- what does it matter? All of us- even those who aren't Divergent - are more than just Smart, or honest, or selfless, or brave, or even kind. Just because we're brave, does that mean all Dauntless are dumb? The factions are signing our death warrant."

She turns away. "And I'm not sitting around to watch it all crumble." She walks toward the edge of the chasm.

"Cally? Cally, don't, please don't-"

"Why not?"

"Because I need you. You're my best friend. I can't go on with this without you. They're on to me! Cally please!"

"Goodbye, DJ!" Cally pecked DJ on the cheek and flung herself into the chasm. She didn't yell, or scream. DJ collapsed on the floor, his face becoming blank.

"Divergent..." He muttered. "AArrg!" Yelling in anger, he threw his cake into the chasm and ran off.

...

**That was... Intense... Next, Christina! **

Christina: *Being held by guards, hopelessly struggling.* Let-Me-Go! Let me go you dirty, worthless son of a-

**Hi, Christina! How's it going!?**

Christina: Huh? Oh, it's you. The girl who brought me here. Can you let me go?

**For important safety reasons- Preferably my own -I'm afraid I can't, no.**

Christina: Com'on! We carpooled!

**That was when I kidnapped- invited!- you over. And you tried to stab me twice.**

Christina: Water under the bridge! Please let me go!?

**No. And, I'm afraid I don't have much time left. So, one question- How do you like Dauntless?**

Christina: You mean, before the whole- mind control serum -thing? It was great! And I met the best guy...

**Will.**

Christina: Yeah... Wait, how-

**Bye Christina! Oh yeah, Will is dead and Tris killed him!**

Christina: WHAT!? LET ME GO SO I CAN WRING OUT THE NECK OF-

*Gets carried away*

**I'm super cruel, aren't I? Well, how did you like my "Cally and DJ" Thing? Let me know! Until next time, this is Sonamyloversega, your Nerd-On-The-Spot!**


	3. Mr Fuzzy Bottom- Uriah Gets Deep

**Hi! No time to waste! Chapter 3 is here!**

**Alright! This is gonna be fun. Our first guest-You know him, lots of you love him... TOBIAS EATON! **

*Nothing*

**Uh, Tobias? Hello? Okay, not funny!**

Tobias: *Appears* Oh, hi Han-

**Please don't tell the viewers my name!**

Tobias: Ah, yes. Well, you wanted to interview me?

**Of course! You see, viewers, Tobias is my friend from summer cohesion! He's the only one I actually invited-er, ahem, I mean- Let's just begin. I think we've all noticed your rocky relationship with Tris. Thoughts? **

Tobias: Um...I'm not a touchy-feely person.

**Oh, really? *Brings out truth serum* We'll just see about that. *Injects***

Tobias: *Tells truth against will* I'm starting to worry, honestly. She's getting more and more reckless...Hey! No truth serum!

**Too late. Bwa ha ha. Next question: Do you sleep with a teddy bear?**

Tobias: No! Must...Fight...! YES! YES I DO! HIS NAME IS MR. FUZZY BOTTOM AND I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH! *Blinks* AHHHHHHHHH! I HATE TRUTH SERUM!

***Laughing hysterically* Ha, ha, ha! Mr. Fuzzy Bottom...Sophisticated name! *Breaks down in a roar of laughter* Not so Dauntless now, are ya?!**

Tobias: Aw, come on! Cut me some slack! My mother is demented and my father abuses me!

**Sure, sure. Okay, next, I'm serious now...**

Tobias: Yeah?

**What does Mr. Fuzzy Bottom do for a living?! *Laughs***

Tobias: That is so not-

**Does he have his PHD? His master's degree?!**

Tobias: Don't be silly! He's just a bear! He has his bachelor's!

***Laughs so hard ears pop* OH MY GOD! YOU'RE KILLING ME! Does-Does Mr. Fuzzy Bottom have a family?**

Tobias: He was divorced at 25.

**OH MY GOD! **

Tobias: That's it! I UNFRIEND YOU! *Gets on Facebook*

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Dives for phone***

Tobias: *Unfriends*

***Clutches chest* Ugh! I'm wounded! I'm down to 5,000,000 Facebook friends! (I don't have a Facebook, but I'm on electronics so much I probably would have that many friends)**

Tobias: Now, do you have a SERIOUS question to ask, or do I need to delete your phone number, too?

**No, no, no! I'm serious! *Scurries back to seat and folds hands* See? SERIOUS! Now...How'd You feel when you discovered your Divergence?**

Tobias: Surprised...Puzzled...Afraid... A lot of different emotions at once.

**Next- *Buzzer goes off.* What? I never set a timer!**

Don: I did. You tend to doddle.

**Nobody says "Doddle" anymore! Let me finish my interview!**

Don: Tobias, you can go. Now, while we get our next guest out, here's some jokes to make you laugh!

**Hey! I'M SUPPOSED TO ANNOUNCE STUFF!**

Jokes while you wait:

My friend once told me onions were the only food that could make you cry. I kindly proved him wrong by throwing a coconut at his face.

A clarinet player once told me flutes suck. I said, "Um, no, flutes _blow. _You suck, reed-eater." (No hate! I respect your instruments!)

That awkward moment when you're at a friend's house and their mom starts yelling at them, and you're just kinda standing there like "Nice wall you have here...And floor..."

"HAHA you failed!" "Yeah? So did your dumb joke."

... Hope you liked! Back to interviews!

***Grumbling to self* Stupid...Should've never invested in...Too annoying... Oh. Hi...next guest... is Uriah.**

Uriah: *Comes out happily* Whoohoo! Team Dauntless! Yeah!

**Hi, Uriah! First question, since we're apparently on a time limit *Glares at Don* Where do you stand on the whole "Divergent" topic?**

Uriah: I don't really care if you're Divergent, or I'm Divergent, or if that flipping puppy is Divergent. We're all people.

**Psychologist much? **

Uriah: I may not be Erudite, but I'm not dumb. And I SURE AS HECK ain't siding with that Jeanine. Erudite acts all smart, but really, none of us are what our factions say.

Abnegation is so obsessed with selflessness that they're selfish.

Erudite is so smart and proud that they're blind to the truth, and how smart can you be when that arrogant?

Amity is evil, trying to make everyone nice. A truly kind person wouldn't force some one to change their nature.

Candor doesn't understand what truth really is. Truth isn't blurting the first thing you think of. It's that the words you do say- when you say them, are true.

Dauntless can be cowardly, just like any other bully. Bravery isn't recklessness. It's, despite your fear, doing what's right. (The cake is awesome though)

**Whoa. I'm sure no one knew you were this deep, Uriah!**

Uriah: It's a gift.

**Wow...**

**How'd you like my analysis of the factions? You know how to tell me!**


End file.
